I’m struggling to figure out the timeline on this show. I know we’re on episode seven, but how long have we been here? A week, ten weeks, five weeks, 30 minutes? It’s kind of like Lost. Time doesn’t work like it does on the mainland. Let’s try and figure this out though: Chris has demonstrated immense emotional growth by getting rid of Fallon and choosing “Realest chick in the game” Amanda, so one would think we’ve been here several years. But his ass is still blindingly white, so maybe we’ve only been here for a few days?
We just met Amanda last week, but already she’s decided she cares “so deeply” for Chris that it’s as if they’ve known each other for six months. Meanwhile, Chris has decided that he’s just not physically attracted to Amanda and will probably send her home — so maybe we’ve only been there for ten minutes?
Oh, but then Kerri has more or less morphed into an 80-year-old woman who just wants to wrap up in an afghan and eat some frozen pizza in bed, so I guess we’ve been here for an eternity. That seals it. An eternity.
Date 1:
Kerri and Michael: Oh good, Kerri’s well-rested, so she talks a bit about feeling well-rested because it’s of great interest to us. Her date is Michael. He’s got tattoos and seems “edgy,” but unfortunately they can’t have a real conversation, which confuses Kerri, because men with tattoos are supposed to be fun. I think it’s really unfair of Kerri to act like she’s some sort of fun barometer when she’s actually Hurricane Boring. Anyway, in the end she warms up to him, and they have a dream date: jumping off of a high tower into some water and then discussing their feelings and challenges with self-worth.
Chris and Moenay: Does Chris’s date look a little familiar? Yeah she does! It’s Moenay! She time-traveled from the first season for a second chance at love and redemption. As you’ll recall, Moenay had it real tough last time — she was stood up, dicked around, and had to date an alien wearing a human-skin mask. She was broken. I encouraged her to watch a little Oprah, remember how beautiful she was, and come back when she felt stronger. Guys, she is back — and better than ever, with a new belly-chain and a full-torso henna tattoo. She makes Chris do jumping jacks with his wang out like he’s her little man-toy.
Back at the house, we’re in another timeloop. Haven’t we watched this scene 100 times before? There’s a new girl in the house, so Amanda is threatened. There’s a new guy in the house so Justin is threatened. Kerri recognizes Moenay and is threatened because she’s under the spell of Chris’s huge dick. Moenay is just like, “Yeah, I’ve been here before, you might recognize me. The belly-chain is sort of a thing.” I’m so happy she found her confidence.
Justin is struggling with his new feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. So he decides to engage in an epic game of “One-Up.” Here’s how it works: Michael starts to show off his tattoos, and Justin quickly reveals that he has the Chinese character for warrior tattooed on his arm. Michael mentions that he likes the song “Cheerleader.” (Ah, a clue, we are in present day.) And Justin counters with “I was a cheerleader in college.” You win, Justin?
He does win! Because he and Kerri make out, which causes Michael’s head to explode.
Chris tries to woo Moenay by challenging her feelings for him. “You’re not that into me,” he whines. Because they’ve been here for … how long? Should Moenay be able to demonstrate that she’s into him after a three-hour date? I have no idea. And then he’s like, Kiss me, baby. And Moenay, ever the classy lady, declines.
Date 2:
Chris and Carrie: Oh another Carrie! This is a Carrie from a parallel universe. Where our Kerri is blonde, this Carrie is brunette. Where our Kerri is a one-woman incarnation of jury duty, this Carrie is a one-woman circus. She does voices! She hears voices! She face-paints. She’s just a big ol’ lovable weirdo. Chris tries to muster excitement, but honestly, he seems so checked out. Like he just really misses Fallon. He’s dealing with his breakup like we all do, chugging red wine and getting super-weird on a rebound date.
Kerri and Casey: Casey came to this island prepared: He has his name tattooed across his chest like a name tag. He’s a bullrider who declares he is a mix of redneck and city boy. He just lets his freak flag fly, which we should take a moment to appreciate:
Back at the house Chris has a moment with the wrong Carrie. If he chooses Carrie over Kerri, I think our Kerri will give up and set fire to the island.
Meanwhile, Kerri is in the middle of the saddest display of competitive masculinity this world has ever seen. First, Michael writes her a song. It sounds like Simple Plan and Yellowcard had a baby with Dave Matthews. And he forgot his own lyrics. Kerri endures it, but it causes Justin to hulk out beyond belief.
Justin sees Michael’s song and raises him a handmade Kerri-themed Jeopardy game designed to prove to everyone on this island that he is the only one who deserves Kerri. It’s kind of sad to think of him sneaking off to his room with markers and index cards and putting this whole thing together.
Casey insulted Justin’s game, so Justin — while declaring he’s a lover not a fighter — starts a fight with poor Casey. I think Justin is just embarrassed because he put on a little vest and bow tie and nobody liked his game. But instead of dealing with that shame, he took it out on innocent bystanders. “I’m fighting for Kerri,” he claims, but really, he’s fighting to love himself. Justin, talk to Moenay, she has won this battle.
Speaking of Moenay, at the elimination ceremony, Chris keeps Moenay. MOENAY GOT HER DAY!! Chris kept MOENAY!! REDEMPTION. Things can only go get better.
As usual, Kerri had a really heavy decision weighing on her shoulders, so she gives a big speech. She really rehearses these speeches. It’s like maybe her big game isn’t to end up with Chris, it’s to end up as the host of Dating Naked season three. I mean, listen to this line: “I want a man who will fight for me, not fight over me.” Great way to announce that she’s keeping Minstrel Michael and sending Justin home.
And Justin, well, Justin cries. A lot. He can’t believe he’s been here for so long. Fallen so hard for Kerri and ruined it with goofball antics and temper tantrums. It’s been a hard three days. Oh … three days?? Is that the timeline here?
Most Awkward Naked Activity: Temper Tantrums
