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(Photo: Davies + Starr)
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Scented candle
Doorman: Sometimes the lobby smells
a little funky.
Grandmother: Sometimes your house smells a little grandma-y.
Boss: Only 7-Eleven was open on the way to the holiday office party.
Secret Santa: I hope you like it—it’s the same one I got from Curt in the
IT department last year.
Girlfriend/
boyfriend of
two weeks: I think we should break up.
Girlfriend/
boyfriend of
six months: I think we should have broken
up five and a half months ago.
Gift certificate
Doorman:
Thanks
for a
great year!
Grandmother:
Please make sure to get yourself something I’ll like when I eventually inherit it.
Boss:
All this downsizing must be so stressful.
I hope this makes you feel better.
Secret Santa:
No, I couldn’t think of
anything to get for you either.
Girlfriend/
boyfriend of
two weeks: I wanted to get you something, but I’m not
sure yet what
you like.
Girlfriend/
boyfriend of six months:
I still haven’t figured out what kind of things you like, and I’ve stopped trying.
Expensive Scotch
Doorman:
Happy holidays, and if I ever
smell booze
on your breath
I’ll report you immediately.
Grandmother:
Just put it in
the cabinet where
I can find
it when I visit.
Boss:
At our last client lunch, I noticed your fondness for this brand.
Secret Santa:
Hey, Santa, welcome to the office party. Maybe later
you can ride my sleigh.
Girlfriend/
boyfriend of
two weeks: Let’s get cozy
and sip this together.
Girlfriend/
boyfriend of six months:
Let’s use this to get through dinner with my family.
The must-have handbag of the season
Doorman:
I’ve recently come into a large amount
of illicit money that I need
to dispose
of quickly.
Grandmother:
That handbag you’ve
been using is
sooo 1957.
Boss:
I’m hoping this will go a long
way toward helping you overlook certain accounting discrepancies.
Secret Santa:
My friend,
you have hit
the Secret Santa jackpot.
Girlfriend/
boyfriend of
two weeks:
What do
you mean,
“slow things down”?
Girlfriend/
boyfriend of six months:
Happy holidays, and I’m very sorry about that weekend in Denver with my administrative assistant.
Gloves
Doorman:
I wanted
to show my appreciation,
but with
a personal
touch.
Grandmother:
I know you knit them for me, Grandma,
but they look
so much better on you.
Boss:
Please feel free
to exchange these for something you really want.
Secret Santa:
You can exchange yours, too, though
be warned:
I adhered strictly to the
$10-or-less limit.
Girlfriend/
boyfriend of
two weeks:
I really like
where this relationship
is going.
Girlfriend/
boyfriend of six months:
I really like
where
this relationship
has stalled.
Puppy
Doorman:
I’m not really familiar with
the concept
of boundaries.
Grandmother:
I’m very
sorry I haven’t
phoned you
since 2003.
Boss:
I like to think
of our office
as one big family, with you
as my mother.
Secret Santa:
My sister-in-law was giving them away, free.
Girlfriend/
boyfriend of
two weeks:
I’m already
picking out china patterns.
Girlfriend/
boyfriend of six months:
When you
play with it,
I secretly
imagine you’re caring for
our baby.
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