Dirty man. A bit oily, as well.Photo: Getty Images

"Is it correct, sir, that you have masturbated in front of a Web cam?" his lawyer, Mark Winkler, asked.

(Yes, of course, he has to be called Winkler)

Red-faced, Cook replied: "Yes, I have, privately, secretly."

Only on the Internet, Your Honor. Everyone knows you don't get more private than that.

Sam Israel would rather go to jail than spend
another day at camp. Photo: AP

Israel, who is scheduled to appear in Manhattan court today, faked his suicide three weeks ago, on the day he was due to report for a twenty-year prison sentence for defrauding investors in his Bayou hedge fund out of $450,000. Investigators were immediately suspicious about Israel's glib "note," "Suicide Is Painless," scrawled in dust on the hood of his car, which itself was left temptingly on a bridge over the Hudson. For his last words, they wondered, would a person really turn to plagiarizing the lyrics of the theme song from MASH?

As it turns out, no. But Israel didn't follow in the footsteps of previous outlaws by heading to Nambibia or Cuba: Alas, he didn't have his passport anymore. And so he was forced to bunker down in an RV at the Prospect Mountain Campground, in Granville, Massachusetts, only 62 miles from the prison he was supposed to go to in the first place, where he ate food from cans and frequented the general store, where, apparently, no one watches the news or reads the papers, until finally turning himself in yesterday. Why? Authorities say his mother convinced him to give himself up. But others think the reason could be simpler: "I think he got bored here," a fellow camper told Reuters. Seriously. It's no Mount Kisco — the $32,000-a-month mansion he used to rent from Donald Trump. Also, it's so buggy out this time of year.

Fund Manager Who Faked His Suicide Surrenders [NYT]
Sam Israel's Wooded Hideout [DealZone/Reuters]

Photo: Getty Images

Little did we know that she continued her revenge in secret. According to the Post, she developed a clandestine affair with one of the most famous, inarguably sexy men in the world. She held this card close to her chest, hiding it from the world even as her marriage with Alex Rodriguez disintegrated. Which meant that just two days after A-Rod made headlines for paying late-night visits to the Central Park West home of sex icon Madonna, she was ready with her own news: She's been doin' it with Lenny Kravitz. Holy mother of gossip!

Doron Braunshtein a.k.a. Apollo Braun, loves
pushing the "envelop."Photo: Getty Images

Step 2
Braun ups the stakes with "Obama = Hitler" T-shirt. No press pickup follows.

Photo: Getty Images

And yet today Adams released a statement to OK! announcing their breakup. According to the mag, they'd been dating since December. "Mandy is one of those genuinely sweet angelic people you wish to meet your whole life," Ryan wrote. We agree! We've been dying to meet Mandy since she played Lana the witchy popular girl in the original Princess Diaries. "I am grateful for our friendship and how it allowed us both to grow and learn more," Adams added. Of course, he blames the media spotlight for the split.

"Unfortunately I am allergic to paparazzi and have found the best antidote to that sort of nonsense is staying behind the guitar and typewriter, staying close to my support group of friends and band mates and not engaging in activities that prevent me from taking care of myself or others," he says. "I found the entire speculation and subsequent photographs and intrusions terrifying and only wish to live as normal a life as possible, so that I might always remain punk as f*** AND sober."

Laying aside the fact that the only "lie" we ended up printing was the one Ryan told us, who hides their relationship from the press and then sends out a press release about their breakup? That's the hard part, where you don't want the press around. While you're dating, the paparazzi is just helping you record your memories!

Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams Split [OK!]

Peter CookPhoto: Getty Images

They might as well have added: because their dad is a dirty, dirty dog.

Things that came out in court today:

• He only hired 18-year-old Diana Bianchi because he wanted to bang her. Well, maybe not only: But "it was an inducement into hiring her," he said.

• Also, according to Cook, she was "18 1/2."

• He wrote crap e-mails: "I don't know, you put me under your spell. You never asked me, but I left you money anyway," he wrote in an e-mail, which he read on the stand. (He hid the money under a rock, and behind a painting.)

• He told the 18 (1/2)-year-old to keep their affair a secret and sent her threatening e-mails: "I can tell you if you [we] don't deal with it it's going to blow up and I will not be alone when it does. You decide."

• He "pleasured himself over a Web cam … and would hit on potential sexual partners with lines like, 'Hey there, I'm a horny dude, spare me the philosophy and "eff" me.'"

Well. At least he wasn't the type to use profanity.

Christie Brinkley's Divorce Trial Gets Under Way [NYP]
Christie Brinkley Emotional At Start of Divorce Trial [NYDN]

IsraelPhoto: AP

"He surrendered at 9:30 this morning," said Peter Coe, dispatcher with the Southwick police, who referred further questions to the U.S. Marshals service. Israel surrendered in Southwick, about two hours' drive west of Boston, he said.

Dude, honestly? That's, what, a four-hour drive? You had three weeks. Anyway, he's in federal custody now. Updates on his lost weekend to come!

UPDATE: "Mr. Israel was talking to his mother on the phone when he walked into a local jail and surrendered to the United States Marshals task force, a spokeswoman for the marshals said." Who's the hero? Mom. [NYT]

Fugitive Hedge Fund Manager Samuel Israel Surrenders [Reuters]
Earlier: Where In the World Is Samuel Israel III?

Leona Helmsley and Trouble. Man, what a pair of
… expensive haricuts.Photo: Patrick McMullan

She herself was frequently described as one — which may be why Leona Helmsley ordered that her charitable trust donate all its billions to bitches.

See how they did that? They didn't technically call her a bitch, they called dogs bitches. Complicated! Let it be known being bitchy about bitches is really a bitch.

RICH BITCH OF A DONATION [NYP]

Bushnell, menthols smokerPhoto:

We're not, unlike your friend, Self magazine editor Lucy Danziger, going to judge you for smoking. Daily Intel is a safe place. For the most part. We mean, it's not like anyone here ever gave you any shit about the ballet dancer. Anyway, we say if you want to smoke, you go ahead and smoke because, who knows, you could get hit by a bus or a car driven by Darren Starr tomorrow. There's just one thing: Merits? Really? Our Grampy smoked Merits, and yes, he died of lung cancer, but that is not our point. Our point is that Merits are the cigarettes of grampies. Like, you might as well be smoking a pipe or Old Golds or, like, dipping. Like, you might as well start wearing Kangol caps and polyester. Please, switch brands. Smoking isn't exactly cool, Candace, but it doesn't have to be that uncool, either.

Respects,

Daily Intel

Smoke Buster [NYP]

No. 1™Photo: Photo-illustration: Getty Images, iStockphoto

And in Cook's war chest, lawyers have amassed letters, cards and published articles that, in Brinkley's own words, portray Cook as a good father.

That's right. And if "Happy Birthday Daddy I love you" written in Brinkley's own neat cursive doesn't convince them, just wait until the judge sees his No. 1 Dad Mug. It's not like they sell those to just anyone, you know?

Brinkley, Cook stockpile evidence for divorce case [Newsday]